![]() As you know, spiders are permitted in basements through a centuries-old treaty designating as dual-use zones all manmade subterranean structures not continuously inhabited by humans - but a web directly above the dryer seemed unnecessarily close, like he was flaunting the shared space and daring someone to do something about it. ![]() When the spider first built his web over the dryer, my initial reaction was to file a grievance over his decision to build so close to the appliance. It appears to be his summer home, as he stays only from May to October and then vanishes to wherever it is that spiders go during the rainy season. The spider has had a web in this spot for several years. And so I turned my attention to the spider who lives in the basement, next to the coin-operated washer and dryer. No doubt the Yelp reviews of my place are now exceedingly negative. I assume it is because of my vigilance in getting the message out that not as many spiders showed up in my apartment this summer as in summers past. The soles of my shoes and the sides of my rolled-up magazines are smeared with reminders of my zero-tolerance policy toward squatters. That’s OK with me, because we are very welcoming and inclusive in Portland, but often these spiders attempt to inhabit dwellings that are already occupied, like my apartment, and I am forced to evict (i.e., smash) them. I live in Portland, where the relatively cool and shady climate makes it a great place for spiders to settle down and raise their families. Meanwhile, as my inner struggle continues, I must make do with the pets I never wanted in the first place: spiders. This would be as frustrating and unfulfilling for both parties as John Travolta’s marriage. It would be unfair to my cat if I gave it a dog’s name, like Rover, instead of a cat’s name, like Susan, and treated it like a dog: walking it on a leash, trying to play fetch with it, expecting some kind of devotion or affection from it rather than disdainful stares, etc. My other concern is that I would be resentful toward my cat for not being what I really wanted, like when you want to hang out with your friends but your mom makes you play with your little brother instead, and so you’re mean to him the whole time, even though it’s not HIS fault your landlady won’t let you have a dog. What I should do is borrow a cat for a couple weeks and see what happens, but I have looked and there is no such thing as a cat library. I’d hate to get a cat and THEN discover we’re not compatible. Among them is the fact that I’m sometimes vaguely allergic to cats, and I haven’t spent enough time around them to determine whether it’s only certain breeds or certain kinds of fur or just certain specific cats whose essence conflicts with me. I am hesitant, though, for several reasons. Cats are OK, but my landlady is racist against dogs. But I’m not allowed to have a dog in my apartment. ![]() Dogs provide companionship, loyalty, and someone to blame your farts on.
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